What, Exactly, Is Not My Fault?
EVERYONE knows child abuse is wrong so it can feel pointless to focus on the fact that what happened to you was not your fault, but the tacit nature of this understanding limits our ability to recognize the ways we continue to shoulder the blame for it throughout life.
The reactions we developed during years of childhood stress, taken out of the context of that environment, are experienced as just our personality. Self blame is king in the world of an abused child and most of us have a very hard time winding our way through the maze that leads out of that kingdom.
We don’t give proper therapeutic attention to what we perceive as just how we are. It is healthy and normal to identify flaws and shortcomings in our personalities so we can navigate relationships with accountability but when we point to traumatic responses with this same light it is searing and destructive and not at all empowering.
What does it look like when we are still shouldering the blame for what someone else did?
This is a story going around on Tik Tok: a woman was excited about a film she and her husband had just watched and she wanted to talk about it but her husband shut her down saying it’s just a movie.
Someone carrying self blame will blame themselves for being too excited and goofy about a movie. I’m so dumb and embarrassing. It’s so stupid to get like that about a movie. Why can’t I ever just be normal?
In the Tik Tok story the woman speaks up to say that really hurt my feelings. Her husband responds with a feigned apology to which he adds: I like it when you get excited, it’s just annoying sometimes.
If we carry the blame for everyone who treats us wrong, that follow-up from the husband will sound true. The following thought process could go something like: I am annoying when I get excited. Absolutely cringe. That’s why I don’t have any real friends. It’s why I can not advance in my career, because I’m annoying and ridiculous.
If we take the husband's second set of strikes as being our fault, we can only conclude: people have to treat like this because I’m so stupid and annoying.
The good news is the woman in the Tik Tok video recognizes that her husband is humiliating her for his pleasure and to maintain control from an emotional distance. The bad news is, she married him in the first place.
Another example: someone interrupts you, it’s a negative variety of interruption not a lively exchange. In this hypothetical you are redirected or the goal post is moved, maybe you get walked back on what you are in the midst of expressing.
If you carry self-blame you are likely to not only endure this behavior from others as if it is appropriate (it’s not) but you might even activate into a fight or fawn mode, either of which will please the person who wanted to derail and control you which can easily cause a shame over for you in its aftermath. Your internal monologue might go something like: I’m so stupid I can’t even make a point. I deserve to be treated like I was because I can’t get out what I want to say and then I just let them trample me because I’m too weak and easily sidelined to hold my ground.
This example could and does happen in what should be a casual, relaxing conversation over a meal or during a stroll in the park. Those of us who carry a burden of self-blame are vulnerable to those who offshore their own pain by manipulating other people and controlling their self expression.
Remember this: debate is something that requires consent. Anyone who ignores your lack of consent to argue points, is crossing a boundary and taking advantage of our self-blame.
When we are children being mistreated and neglected we seek the power to change our situation and our only hope is that something within us causes our caregivers to do the harm they are doing to us and if we can fix or eliminate this aspect of ourselves we will be safe and loved and guided through our education and social development. Of course, there was nothing to find in ourselves that caused the abuse and so our child selves determine that the worthlessness is definitive, innate, something others can see better than we can.
If this belief goes unexamined in our adult life we will suffer endlessly. In extreme cases enough traits of vulnerable narcissism will gather and we become trapped with an inability to be accountable for who we are and that prevents opportunity for lasting connections.
It was not your fault.
It was not your fault.
It was not your fault.
It was NOT your fault.
It is possible to transfer from collecting disrespectful, controlling friends and lovers to sharing genuine and supportive connection with people. It is possible to alleviate the rumination and put a stop to the cycle.
You deserve to fully live. You deserve your best life.